Relentless Inquiry

The reason I'm looking for partners is that I find that I am unable to be my best self solely on my own behalf. The times that I rise above my limitations are when I exert myself for others.

Somebody asked “What's wrong with 'just friends'?” That it's generally used as a way to close a door, rather than open one. I'm tired of growing apart from friends as they pair off and/or have kids. What I find happens with friendships is that I bond with people and start considering them 'tribe' or 'family', and then they find an SO or spouse and all their 'just friends' become afterthoughts, especially their friends of the appropriate gender . This whacked-up culture of ours seems to only allow people to be really close if they either grew up together or are sleeping with each other. [0] I don't consider sexual intimacy to be a necessary part of a close partnership, even though it can be a great part.

Back when I had close housemates, we made a good tribe/family but retained our independence too. I really liked living in group houses in Boston. Never had quite the right mix of housemates out here in CA, and now that Mike and I are married, he's less keen on the idea generically of housemates. He would be okay with living with another person or couple to whom we had strong ties, though. So that also motivates me.

A logical question might be, “If you only do best on others' behalf, then why not dedicate yourself to one or more good causes?” I do some of that. I can only do so much of that, though, because it's all one-way interaction. A good cause demands your best, but there's little or no leeway for giving back to you when you need a boost. I find that when I devote most of my time and attention outside work to being a volunteer, I get overloaded faster.

What I really prefer is a mix of personal commitments and volunteer work, combined with my 'day job'. Usually there's a good balance between giving energy and getting satisfaction. Sometimes everybody/everything gets 'needy' all at once, and then I get to go into overdrive, kind of like doing sprints as part of cardio.

Anyway. Enough rambling for one day.

[0] Go figure. I also really enjoy sleeping with friends, I mean *sleeping*, curling up together platonically. Feels happy and safe. But I digress. Another bit of weird wiring of mine, I guess.