Relentless Inquiry

Never close a buffer until you are sure you can paste what you've cut from it.

I had a long rant built up that started as a reply to a comment in someone else's journal. It's perhaps better that it was cut.

Let me just sum it up by saying, “Give generously, but don't beggar yourself. Make sure you have something for your own rainy day.”

There is a bitter thing going on right now between myself and my two brothers, because I won't contribute a monthly check toward my mother's overspending. Mike and I live in a mortgaged manufactured home, and our cars are 1998 and 2001, and both low-end models. Our TV is a 14-inch color TV from the early 1990's, and we have basic cable only because it is included in the lot rental fee here. My brothers both live in mortgaged 'real' homes, are carrying credit card up to their ears, aren't saving much if anything for their retirement, yet they and their wives are driving newer cars, they have huge home theatre systems, loads of new furniture (bought on credit!), etc etc.

However since they know that we have an investment account and retirement savings because my sister in law, through either an accident or a trick, I am not sure which became our Financial Advisor of Record (she works for a major investment house). So now we are the selfish, amoral, evil rotten members of the family, because we have money in the bank and we won't give it to them to spend for Mom. Never mind that their financial management of her affairs SUCKS and wastes a ton of money, that they were all too willing to accept lavish GIFTS from her when she was blowing through Dad's life insurance (how about a trip to Jamaica for a cousin's wedding, all expenses paid by Mom?!), nope, we are SELFISH and EVIL because we won't open our wallets. Oh, and IMMATURE. That's great. My little brothers, who orbited around the nest and got major bailouts from Mom & Dad all during their adult lives, say I, who moved across country, stayed out of touch for years, handled all my own finances (which were sometimes quite dire) for all that time without any bailouts or assistance, and have run my own business for years, yes, *I* am the immature one: because I question the wisdom of what they want to do.

The first few times we were asked, I asked to see the spreadsheets– they wanted to preserve what little investment capital she had by using us to make up the shortfall in her monthly expenses. Nice. Medicaid is going to ensure that she has no real assets left before they pay a dime. My brother and sister-in-law, who work for a major financial institution, were saying “oh, if something happens, we'll just transfer Mom's assets out”. IDIOTS. I pointed them to chapter and verse showing that Medicaid and similar actually track asset transfers back over a 3+ year period, and consider anything transferred out as remining an asset of the person in question. They even raise a flag at one-time gifts. “Um, oh.” they said. @#$%@#$@!!!!! Did I mention *idiots*?

Wow, I'm even more pissed than I thought I was– thought it would diminish while writing this, but it's still going strong. Rescuing one of my brothers from bankruptcy drove my Dad into bankruptcy while he was already involuntarily retired and on disability. Both brothers would have said they “couldn't afford to” come to my wedding here on the West Coast if Dad hadn't paid for their trip, plus K's wife and P's girlfriend. And their car rentals. And their meals. Etc. They were willing to take and take and take while Dad's bills were piling up. They were willing to take and take and take while Mom was spending Dad's life insurance.

But let me refuse to open MY wallet and it's “I can't believe you won't support YOUR OWN MOTHER?!” Yeah, well who is going to cough up the payment that will mean the difference between Mom going into a state-run facility that takes Medicaid patients with no down payment and her going into a private facility with better care that will take Medicaid patients with an additional monthly fee and a hefty down payment? Neither of them is going to have that money– every time they get some equity in their homes, boom, it goes to drive down their huge credit card bills. So it's up to me. And if I let them piss it away every month, I'm not going to have it either.

Deep breath. Another deep breath.

Family. They're the ones that can ALWAYS get to you. Always, always, always. Sigh.

And yeah, every month we give away more than they are asking for Mom to Heifer Project, Red Cross, and EFF. Charity begins at home, but sometimes you have to use tough love. Sometimes charity is deferred, but that doesn't mean it's not there. But it really hurts to get screamed at by idiots, whose genes you happen to share, because you won't join in the idiocy. I probably shouldn't even post this, but maybe I'm not the only one in my friends' list who has to deal with this kind of thing. Suck, suck, SUCK.